I just want to FEEL something...

Its been over 8 months now, so I don't think I'm over exaggerating. I am walking around being the person everyone expects to see... but I'm absolutely a zombie inside. I feel nothing. I don't want to do anything, nothing interests me, and I have no desire for anything. I'm medicated... it doesn't seem to be working though.

And now I've made (while not so coherent) an ass out of myself... and may never get the chance to set things straight out of sheer embarrassment. And I'm pretty sure that was NOT the thing I was really seeking to feel.

I did come to a true realization though.
* I need someone confident (but not cocky... well, a little cocky at times might be OK), determined, ambitious and kind.

* While I am 100% capable of taking care of myself, I need a man that can step up to the plate and BE A MAN and be capable of taking care of me. I have not had the privilege of being with a man with this capability.

* While I tend to be a pretty strong willed gal in relationships, I need a man capable of putting me in my place while knowing when it is appropriate and HOW it is appropriate. Having the power, knowing you have the power and not using the power... well, I find it EXTREMELY attractive.

* I need a man that could defend me and mine, without-a-doubt, no hesitation. This could possibly even borderline scary. What I would give to feel safe.

And I think I met a guy like this... no, this particular guy is not *the one*, cause frankly, I don't think that exists... but because I met this guy... well, he helped me raise my bar. So BRAVO, hands-down, absolutely, positively, oh-so extremely, super sexy man... YOU are now the standard. I'll probably ALWAYS remember you for it.

And... I'll probably be alone. But that's OK. I'll take alone any day rather than settle again.

This is not me... I am not this person...

I am not the person who has to visit Adult and Children Abuse offices to report threats of violence.

I am not the person who has allowed the three serious relationships in her life escalate to the point of someone telling me they want to kill me. Seriously, they want to kill me...

My people picker is broken. Hell, I don't know if it ever worked. But I'm really tired of putting myself in these situations. I mean, who else's fault could it be? That's the thing, I've done this. I've allowed this to become my life. And I'm just sick about it.

It is NOT ok to yell and scream at someone.

It is NOT ok to hit things just because you're mad.

It is NOT ok to say hurtful and scary things and expect to get away with it because we both know you'll apologize for it later.

It is also NOT ok for me to feel so unbelievably guilty about all of this. You did this. You have to be responsible for your actions. You can't do and say whatever you want and just pretend later after you feel better that it didn't happen. Someone has to finally stand up and make you accountable. I'm really pissed it has to be me.

My heart is broken. Not because of my love for you, but because of my love for me.

I am strong. Yet, I keep allowing myself to fall into this situation, only each time it gets worse. How pathetic is that.

I am determined. I'm doing all of the right things to make my life comfortable and happy, yet those I choose to share it with don't have to put in any of the effort. Why do I feel the need to carry the world? Hold myself accountable but not anyone else? That's a pretty messed up way of thinking.

This sucks. I don't want this to be my life... I don't want to be this person.

I'm Engaged!!!

David and I are getting married! I couldn't be happier. :)

So here's how things went down...

Monday morning David was rained out of work and was trying to convince me to play hookie to stay home with him. I'm sure he knew I wouldn't do that and I got ready and went to work like any normal Monday.

Around Noon, I started feeling badly, and since my boss was out of the office for the day, I decided to go home, take a nap and hopefully start feeling better. I didn't call David on my way home, because I thought it would be a nice surprise that I'd come home early.

I pull into the driveway to see that David's truck isn't there and wondered where he had went (while thinking, "Yes! I'm going to take a nap!"). I walked in through the garage, thinking it was strange that David had shut the bedroom door, poor Lucy, locked out of the room! So I opened the door and saw something on the floor.

I turned on the light, there were ROSE PETALS all over the floor, leading to the bed. I had NO idea what was going on, but I thought, "oh, how sweet, David wanted to surprise me after work". I walked further into the room and saw balloons, thinking, "what the hell?"

I laid my purse and Sonic 44 Diet Coke on the desk and walked over to the bed. Turned on the light and what do you know! He had spelled out "WILL YOU MARRY ME" in rose petals on the bed!!!

GASP!!! OMG!!! I'VE RUINED THE SURPRISE!!!

Mortified, I quickly grabbed my purse (note: not the Sonic cup) and went upstairs. I'm now shaking at this point. :) Tim and Kevin are in the living room. Tim asks if I normally come home for lunch (Tim knows about the surprise, and in hind-sight is acting pretty funny). I try to be casual, and say, "no, I just came home early... I'll be back". Tim replies, "OK, we are just chillin". Everyone was acting strange... :)

So I leave quickly, hoping to make it out of the neighborhood before David returns!

I call Tim's cell, hoping to tell him that he should NOT tell David I had been home, but Tim was scared to answer, so he didn't. :(

What was I supposed to do now?!? I decided to call David and tell him I was coming home early. "Hi baby, I decided to come home early - I'm not feeling all that great, so I'm on my way home. Call me when you get this. I love you!" And I drive to Target.

So I'm shaking still, walking around Target trying to think of anything I need... knowing what is going to happen when I get home!!! Yay! I end up buying tooth paste and $20 in barrettes. So silly!

In the meantime, David returns home and sees my Sonic cup... "NO!!!" he cries. Tim comes to the top of the stairs.

David: "was she HERE?"
Tim: "No..."
David: "was she HERE???"
Tim: "Maaaaybeee"

I get out into the Target parking lot and send David a text, "where are you"? He immediately calls me.

David: "You've been home!"
Scraps: "Yes, I'm so sorry!" (in a very sorry voice)
David: "Gah!!!"
Scraps: "I love you" (still in a very sorry voice)
David: "I love you too, give me 5 more minutes, then come home"
Scraps: "OK, I love you" (yeah, super sorry voice... still)
David: "I love you too"

I head home... so excited for what happens next!

David meets me in the driveway, soaked through with sweat (it sounds a little gross, but if you know David, he can get really nervous making everything just perfect, so I think its pretty adorable in this situation), he gives me a huge hug and kiss and asks me to follow him inside.

As we walk into the basement (our bedroom) I see even more rose petals on the floor, the balloons now on the bed, two dozen long stemmed roses on each side of the bed and the rose petals that spell out "will you marry me" on the bed. :) Oh, and now there's chocolates on the bed too.

He tells me wonderful things, like "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to have babies with you, I want to grow old and enjoy life with you"... and gets down on one knee and says, "so will you marry me"?

"Yes! Yes! Yes!", says Scraps.

And he opened the box to the most beautiful brilliant cut solitaire diamond I've ever seen. :)

He places it on my finger and tells me that he can't wait for me to be his wife. :) :) :)

Of course, after we stopped hugging and kissing... I grabbed my phone to Tweet it (which also alerts my facebook). ;) He says, "what are you doing?" I say, "telling all my friends!!!"

So then of course, I had to leave and go get my nails done. :)

And that's how it happened...

We haven't set a date yet... but we're thinking Winter in Maui!!! :)

The big 3-0...

Today is my birthday! I'm 30! I think I'm pretty OK with being 30.

To celebrate, D and my roommates are going to Dave & Buster's to eat and play. I need a little play.

This is my very first birthday without my Grandpa. We were born on the same day, today, 51 years apart. I've always celebrated my birthday as a pair... this is harder than I thought it would be.

Just got off the phone with my Dad. He is great to talk to. He told me that he knows that Grandpa remembers that today is our special day and that he's wishing me a good one. He said that people don't lose their memories when they leave, he truly believes they take their memories with them. That's pretty comforting.

Even though I'm thrilled that he no longer is ill and feels no pain, after talking with my Dad, I can't stop crying (which is bad because I'm still at work!). I know that Grandpa is in a better place now... I just miss him a bunch.

There's a pic of me and my Grandpa on this page, down on the left... I took that picture today, only last year. He thought I was crazy... taking pictures of myself... I wanted to show him just how cool they turn out. I didn't see that picture until after he passed away in March of this year. I think its one of the best pictures Grandpa and I have taken together.

So Happy Birthday, Grandpa... today is still our day.

Up on the Box today...

I believe I am a nice person. I try to give people a chance before “deciding” that I don’t like them. I try not to talk about people… yes, this I’m working on at the moment.

I’ve talked about this a few different times recently because of my boyfriend. D and his friends have been friends since grade school. I look around at the girl friends I have… none of them went to my grade school, heck, practically none of them live in my same city! The girls I hang with now (actually, don’t hang out with nearly enough) are relatively new, within the last five years or so.

Girls' friendships seem to come and go… it seems with the ebb and flow of our menstrual cycles, at times. A couple of years ago I was “great” (or so I thought) friends with a gal who doesn’t even speak to me anymore… turns out I was a “project”, someone to “fix”. How disappointing; she didn’t even like me.

Working with women sucks. I’ve never had many women friends and recently in my work environment, I realize why. I’ve become someone with a target on her back. Why? Your guess is as good as mine.

Two separate instances have happened in the last 2 months… neither of which I understand… at all.

I’ve been employed in my current position for a little over a year and a half… I have NO seniority as I was the last person in my department hired prior to the restructure. The current department has 9 people… its made up of 2 departments pre-restructure that employed 16 people total. Yeah, 7 people got laid-off/fired. One of those people was my boss, the person who hired me. She was a nice enough lady – didn’t do a whole lot – but I liked her.

She is telling everyone that I got her fired. She’s even “drunk text” me, “I know what you did”… wtf? Since when did this 57 year old woman revert back to fourth grade!?! Yeah, somewhere in my year and a half, I was granted the power to fire tenured employees of 31 years. Whatever. So, those who still work with me "shouldn't hang out with me" because I'm the devil. Double whatever, grow the fuck up...

Then, just two weeks ago…

Another co-worker put in her notice for a better job at another organization. Upon her departure, when asked if I would be a good candidate for a temporary delegated task (until her replacement was hired) she decided to tell my boss’s boss that she was concerned about giving me this task because I had attendance issues, you know, because of my addiction to prescription pain killers. Double WTF??? All of a sudden, my “friend” who was texting me up until I passive-aggressively told her of this situation, is throwing me under the bus, and why? Who the fuck knows??? She doesn’t even work here anymore! Why tell my Division Director that I have substance abuse issues? Oh yeah, because I DON’T! I’m still very confused by this.

AND more recently, let’s talk about Friday night. My boyfriend is on a bowling team. His friends, all friends for life, invited their girlfriends (all like each other, but haven’t known each other for 20 years). It should have been a nice time. Instead, one of the girls was upset, so the three (not me) went out to smoke so she could vent. Once coming inside, they came and invited me to go into the bar with them. Only three of us ended up in the bar. Why? Someone was upset that she hadn’t received a personal invitation. She was part of the group; I was not. They came in to get me, not to leave her. So, being hurt, she told her boyfriend (remember, life-long friend of one of the others) that the girls were talking shit on one of the boyfriends. Then the boyfriend went to his friend and told him she was going to "take him for all he's worth"... blah, blah, blah… big fight in the bowling alley bar… yeah, fun. Really, I am a sophisticated person at times...

In the end, lonely girl was hurt that no one wanted to talk to her. I feel badly that she felt that way however, I refuse to be a part of this stupid childish behavior any longer. We all live in glass houses. Stay in your own house. Don't talk shit because you're hurt, because you're insecure. Get therapy, I have... it helps.

Needless to say, I’m feeling a little down. It seems that everywhere I turn; people are hurting other people for no apparent reason. Someone who I think is wise told me that people spread lies and rumors they know are untrue because they are insecure and feel like they don’t have control. They control what is said, therefore, they “rule” that situation. And if you "rule", then you're "cool"? Not really, but stupid people don't see it that way.

I am a nice person. I won’t talk about people any more… I hope they stop talking about me.

Get your ass out and VOTE!!!

I did. Come on, the wait won't be too long. It is important. Every election year; not just this one.

Like Ben Affleck, I too (did you watch SNL last weekend?) have voted for the losing candidate each time I have voted. I will not waiver though, Ben and I (we're on first name basis) will stand, and vote again. This year it is out turn. Yeah, Ben and I, this year we will win.

GO OBAMA!

Don't Hate...

So I heard a song on the radio the other day that really got me to thinking.

Now, I don't think anyone spends an amount of time thinking about Vanilla Ice, but I did the other day.

People need to stop making fun of him. Yeah, so he's not cool. Yeah, he made a stupid song... well, we think its so stupid now, but people LOVED that song when it came out. He also made a shit ton of money off of that song. So why mess with him now?

I don't get it. He was all, hot and losin' his tempter on that reality show when people started making fun of the song. He should get over it. He was cool. I'll go as far to admit that I wanted my parents to purchase the VHS of his movie, Cool As Ice, when I was 8 years old. I wanted him to be my boyfriend!

*For the record, I have since seen that movie. Don't watch it. It will hurt you. "Drop that zero and get with the hero". Damn, I can't believe I just quoted it.

All I'm saying is, leave Robert Matthew Van Winkle alone!