This is not me... I am not this person...

I am not the person who has to visit Adult and Children Abuse offices to report threats of violence.

I am not the person who has allowed the three serious relationships in her life escalate to the point of someone telling me they want to kill me. Seriously, they want to kill me...

My people picker is broken. Hell, I don't know if it ever worked. But I'm really tired of putting myself in these situations. I mean, who else's fault could it be? That's the thing, I've done this. I've allowed this to become my life. And I'm just sick about it.

It is NOT ok to yell and scream at someone.

It is NOT ok to hit things just because you're mad.

It is NOT ok to say hurtful and scary things and expect to get away with it because we both know you'll apologize for it later.

It is also NOT ok for me to feel so unbelievably guilty about all of this. You did this. You have to be responsible for your actions. You can't do and say whatever you want and just pretend later after you feel better that it didn't happen. Someone has to finally stand up and make you accountable. I'm really pissed it has to be me.

My heart is broken. Not because of my love for you, but because of my love for me.

I am strong. Yet, I keep allowing myself to fall into this situation, only each time it gets worse. How pathetic is that.

I am determined. I'm doing all of the right things to make my life comfortable and happy, yet those I choose to share it with don't have to put in any of the effort. Why do I feel the need to carry the world? Hold myself accountable but not anyone else? That's a pretty messed up way of thinking.

This sucks. I don't want this to be my life... I don't want to be this person.

I'm Engaged!!!

David and I are getting married! I couldn't be happier. :)

So here's how things went down...

Monday morning David was rained out of work and was trying to convince me to play hookie to stay home with him. I'm sure he knew I wouldn't do that and I got ready and went to work like any normal Monday.

Around Noon, I started feeling badly, and since my boss was out of the office for the day, I decided to go home, take a nap and hopefully start feeling better. I didn't call David on my way home, because I thought it would be a nice surprise that I'd come home early.

I pull into the driveway to see that David's truck isn't there and wondered where he had went (while thinking, "Yes! I'm going to take a nap!"). I walked in through the garage, thinking it was strange that David had shut the bedroom door, poor Lucy, locked out of the room! So I opened the door and saw something on the floor.

I turned on the light, there were ROSE PETALS all over the floor, leading to the bed. I had NO idea what was going on, but I thought, "oh, how sweet, David wanted to surprise me after work". I walked further into the room and saw balloons, thinking, "what the hell?"

I laid my purse and Sonic 44 Diet Coke on the desk and walked over to the bed. Turned on the light and what do you know! He had spelled out "WILL YOU MARRY ME" in rose petals on the bed!!!

GASP!!! OMG!!! I'VE RUINED THE SURPRISE!!!

Mortified, I quickly grabbed my purse (note: not the Sonic cup) and went upstairs. I'm now shaking at this point. :) Tim and Kevin are in the living room. Tim asks if I normally come home for lunch (Tim knows about the surprise, and in hind-sight is acting pretty funny). I try to be casual, and say, "no, I just came home early... I'll be back". Tim replies, "OK, we are just chillin". Everyone was acting strange... :)

So I leave quickly, hoping to make it out of the neighborhood before David returns!

I call Tim's cell, hoping to tell him that he should NOT tell David I had been home, but Tim was scared to answer, so he didn't. :(

What was I supposed to do now?!? I decided to call David and tell him I was coming home early. "Hi baby, I decided to come home early - I'm not feeling all that great, so I'm on my way home. Call me when you get this. I love you!" And I drive to Target.

So I'm shaking still, walking around Target trying to think of anything I need... knowing what is going to happen when I get home!!! Yay! I end up buying tooth paste and $20 in barrettes. So silly!

In the meantime, David returns home and sees my Sonic cup... "NO!!!" he cries. Tim comes to the top of the stairs.

David: "was she HERE?"
Tim: "No..."
David: "was she HERE???"
Tim: "Maaaaybeee"

I get out into the Target parking lot and send David a text, "where are you"? He immediately calls me.

David: "You've been home!"
Scraps: "Yes, I'm so sorry!" (in a very sorry voice)
David: "Gah!!!"
Scraps: "I love you" (still in a very sorry voice)
David: "I love you too, give me 5 more minutes, then come home"
Scraps: "OK, I love you" (yeah, super sorry voice... still)
David: "I love you too"

I head home... so excited for what happens next!

David meets me in the driveway, soaked through with sweat (it sounds a little gross, but if you know David, he can get really nervous making everything just perfect, so I think its pretty adorable in this situation), he gives me a huge hug and kiss and asks me to follow him inside.

As we walk into the basement (our bedroom) I see even more rose petals on the floor, the balloons now on the bed, two dozen long stemmed roses on each side of the bed and the rose petals that spell out "will you marry me" on the bed. :) Oh, and now there's chocolates on the bed too.

He tells me wonderful things, like "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to have babies with you, I want to grow old and enjoy life with you"... and gets down on one knee and says, "so will you marry me"?

"Yes! Yes! Yes!", says Scraps.

And he opened the box to the most beautiful brilliant cut solitaire diamond I've ever seen. :)

He places it on my finger and tells me that he can't wait for me to be his wife. :) :) :)

Of course, after we stopped hugging and kissing... I grabbed my phone to Tweet it (which also alerts my facebook). ;) He says, "what are you doing?" I say, "telling all my friends!!!"

So then of course, I had to leave and go get my nails done. :)

And that's how it happened...

We haven't set a date yet... but we're thinking Winter in Maui!!! :)

The big 3-0...

Today is my birthday! I'm 30! I think I'm pretty OK with being 30.

To celebrate, D and my roommates are going to Dave & Buster's to eat and play. I need a little play.

This is my very first birthday without my Grandpa. We were born on the same day, today, 51 years apart. I've always celebrated my birthday as a pair... this is harder than I thought it would be.

Just got off the phone with my Dad. He is great to talk to. He told me that he knows that Grandpa remembers that today is our special day and that he's wishing me a good one. He said that people don't lose their memories when they leave, he truly believes they take their memories with them. That's pretty comforting.

Even though I'm thrilled that he no longer is ill and feels no pain, after talking with my Dad, I can't stop crying (which is bad because I'm still at work!). I know that Grandpa is in a better place now... I just miss him a bunch.

There's a pic of me and my Grandpa on this page, down on the left... I took that picture today, only last year. He thought I was crazy... taking pictures of myself... I wanted to show him just how cool they turn out. I didn't see that picture until after he passed away in March of this year. I think its one of the best pictures Grandpa and I have taken together.

So Happy Birthday, Grandpa... today is still our day.

Up on the Box today...

I believe I am a nice person. I try to give people a chance before “deciding” that I don’t like them. I try not to talk about people… yes, this I’m working on at the moment.

I’ve talked about this a few different times recently because of my boyfriend. D and his friends have been friends since grade school. I look around at the girl friends I have… none of them went to my grade school, heck, practically none of them live in my same city! The girls I hang with now (actually, don’t hang out with nearly enough) are relatively new, within the last five years or so.

Girls' friendships seem to come and go… it seems with the ebb and flow of our menstrual cycles, at times. A couple of years ago I was “great” (or so I thought) friends with a gal who doesn’t even speak to me anymore… turns out I was a “project”, someone to “fix”. How disappointing; she didn’t even like me.

Working with women sucks. I’ve never had many women friends and recently in my work environment, I realize why. I’ve become someone with a target on her back. Why? Your guess is as good as mine.

Two separate instances have happened in the last 2 months… neither of which I understand… at all.

I’ve been employed in my current position for a little over a year and a half… I have NO seniority as I was the last person in my department hired prior to the restructure. The current department has 9 people… its made up of 2 departments pre-restructure that employed 16 people total. Yeah, 7 people got laid-off/fired. One of those people was my boss, the person who hired me. She was a nice enough lady – didn’t do a whole lot – but I liked her.

She is telling everyone that I got her fired. She’s even “drunk text” me, “I know what you did”… wtf? Since when did this 57 year old woman revert back to fourth grade!?! Yeah, somewhere in my year and a half, I was granted the power to fire tenured employees of 31 years. Whatever. So, those who still work with me "shouldn't hang out with me" because I'm the devil. Double whatever, grow the fuck up...

Then, just two weeks ago…

Another co-worker put in her notice for a better job at another organization. Upon her departure, when asked if I would be a good candidate for a temporary delegated task (until her replacement was hired) she decided to tell my boss’s boss that she was concerned about giving me this task because I had attendance issues, you know, because of my addiction to prescription pain killers. Double WTF??? All of a sudden, my “friend” who was texting me up until I passive-aggressively told her of this situation, is throwing me under the bus, and why? Who the fuck knows??? She doesn’t even work here anymore! Why tell my Division Director that I have substance abuse issues? Oh yeah, because I DON’T! I’m still very confused by this.

AND more recently, let’s talk about Friday night. My boyfriend is on a bowling team. His friends, all friends for life, invited their girlfriends (all like each other, but haven’t known each other for 20 years). It should have been a nice time. Instead, one of the girls was upset, so the three (not me) went out to smoke so she could vent. Once coming inside, they came and invited me to go into the bar with them. Only three of us ended up in the bar. Why? Someone was upset that she hadn’t received a personal invitation. She was part of the group; I was not. They came in to get me, not to leave her. So, being hurt, she told her boyfriend (remember, life-long friend of one of the others) that the girls were talking shit on one of the boyfriends. Then the boyfriend went to his friend and told him she was going to "take him for all he's worth"... blah, blah, blah… big fight in the bowling alley bar… yeah, fun. Really, I am a sophisticated person at times...

In the end, lonely girl was hurt that no one wanted to talk to her. I feel badly that she felt that way however, I refuse to be a part of this stupid childish behavior any longer. We all live in glass houses. Stay in your own house. Don't talk shit because you're hurt, because you're insecure. Get therapy, I have... it helps.

Needless to say, I’m feeling a little down. It seems that everywhere I turn; people are hurting other people for no apparent reason. Someone who I think is wise told me that people spread lies and rumors they know are untrue because they are insecure and feel like they don’t have control. They control what is said, therefore, they “rule” that situation. And if you "rule", then you're "cool"? Not really, but stupid people don't see it that way.

I am a nice person. I won’t talk about people any more… I hope they stop talking about me.

Get your ass out and VOTE!!!

I did. Come on, the wait won't be too long. It is important. Every election year; not just this one.

Like Ben Affleck, I too (did you watch SNL last weekend?) have voted for the losing candidate each time I have voted. I will not waiver though, Ben and I (we're on first name basis) will stand, and vote again. This year it is out turn. Yeah, Ben and I, this year we will win.

GO OBAMA!

Don't Hate...

So I heard a song on the radio the other day that really got me to thinking.

Now, I don't think anyone spends an amount of time thinking about Vanilla Ice, but I did the other day.

People need to stop making fun of him. Yeah, so he's not cool. Yeah, he made a stupid song... well, we think its so stupid now, but people LOVED that song when it came out. He also made a shit ton of money off of that song. So why mess with him now?

I don't get it. He was all, hot and losin' his tempter on that reality show when people started making fun of the song. He should get over it. He was cool. I'll go as far to admit that I wanted my parents to purchase the VHS of his movie, Cool As Ice, when I was 8 years old. I wanted him to be my boyfriend!

*For the record, I have since seen that movie. Don't watch it. It will hurt you. "Drop that zero and get with the hero". Damn, I can't believe I just quoted it.

All I'm saying is, leave Robert Matthew Van Winkle alone!

I almost just peed on myself...

Check it out!

Go Obama!

Me and my guy... *sigh*

Isn't he dreamy? *sigh* :)

Does it mean I'm famous...

If I've had my picture taken with two very famous people?



This is us with Sally Field. She was wonderfully polite. I even held her purse... but just for a second. I guess I can look a little shifty at times. ;)



And this is Patty Duke (or Anna as I like to call her... ok, not really, but that's her name!). She was absolutely delightful! Before our pic she even re-tied the bow on my blouse!

yeah

Inspiration...

So I'm not going to get as hot as Pink from eating this...



On a serious note though... a lady who worked at the Academy passed away from brain cancer last weekend. A co-worker is selling cakes (deliciously yummy cakes) to raise money for their cause. By me eating this yummy nummy piece of cake... I'm helping support cancer research.

I'll start watching what I eat again tomorrow.

Shout out...

So I received a couple of emails saying I got a "Shout Out" from another KC Blogger.

Thanks Tony's KC!

I've never considered myself an especially good blogger... actually, I've convinced myself that no one reads it besides myself. Seriously. Through all my trials and tribulations with meeting/discarding different boys, stupid work drama and back troubles, I thought I was pretty boring. OK, well some of the boy stories are good. *wink, wink*

Thank goodness he didn't see the old blog... he and a few friends I have now... remember "Mr. Big Spender" post. OMG was I an angry girl that day! Whew! So glad that I've let that anger go.

My good friend Toast asked about "D" today. "D" is my new guy. She sees my tweets, reads little bits of happiness here and there, and asked if I was keeping MuM as not to jinks it. Yes, I don't want to jinks anything. Things could not be any better with "D" right now... I can feel it (yeah, I already said that)... good things are in store for good ole' Scraps.

In other news, I'm meeting up with Venus of 'In the Kitchen' on Sunday. She's going to make me some yummy nummy food to keep me happy soon. I'll post all about its wonderfulness. I can't wait to try the "puffs of heaven" mashed potatoes. Mmmm, if I wasn't so full of Chipotle goodness right now.

Starting the second job back up tonight... so come have a drink! It may just be on the house.

Yeah, I can feel it...

You know, the flutter... deep inside your stomach when you're so excited and happy and anxious for the next encounter?

Gasp! Its starting... I'm having so much fun!

I just don't want it to end. Maybe this time it doesn't have to?

Exciting times... in Casa 'Scraps

So I met a man... *blush*

Actually, I've known him for years, just not in years. The guy I wanted to talk to? Yeah, its him. He's really come around since the last few times I asked around about him. And he's really, pretty great.

I asked him to meet us for a drink on the 6th... we've pretty much been inseparable since then. Is it smart? *shrug shoulders* Am I moving too fast? *shrug shoulders*

I thought about "playing it cool" about "taking it slow"... but come on! Who are we kidding. Do I "play it cool" and possibly miss out on the one purely spontaneous thing I've ever done? It was SO freaking fun going to the lake on the spur of the moment.

I decided to go for it. Be honest, open, and let him know when I need a break. It will happen and I won't be afraid to take it.

It's crazy. *Yes* But it feels great.

So...

I kissed a boy this weekend... the last time I kissed him was 14 years ago.

And now I'll sit here and daydream. *smiling*

I've been a boring blogger lately...

It's difficult. I truly believe, although I don't always follow through, that if you don't have anything nice to say... shut it.

I have been so preoccupied with pain these days that I haven't blogged about anything in quite some time.

I don't know this will change, but it is my goal.

That being said, I'm in a weird place myself these days. I'm finally getting the pain under control, thank you back surgery, and I'm finding myself wanting more. I'm ready for the love of my life. No shitty ex-husbands, no stupid controlling boyfriends... I want a healthy, loving relationship. I want my fucking prince charming. I deserve it, dammit.

I'm dreaming these crazy dreams... I see myself in these dreams, so unbelievably happy that I'm dancing, twirling, acting like the happiest person to walk this fine earth. I truly don't know if I've been that happy in real life. That's a shame.

I'm not feeling bad about myself, I finally, for the first time, think I have my shit all together. I have a great job, great friends and family, great house all to myself... but I feel like I'm missing something... someone. I just don't know where he is.

I'm not looking... I'm waiting... I'm patient, I know it has to happen.

Tomorrow's the day...

I have been waiting for, for almost a year now.

I have been in excruciating (at times) pain for WAY to long. Tomorrow... it will all be done. NO... I'm not dying!

I'm going under the knife... well, arthroscopic knife, for arthroscopic microdiscectomy. And they'd better give me some drugs, dammit.

I'm done being the way I am today... D-O-N-E... done.

So, I'll write later, so you know I'm still alive.

When things start to go your way...

You wish you had someone to share it with.

I'll admit I've been feeling a little lonely - of the heart.

I want a Jerry... all of my own. Or a Jesse, just someone that makes my heart beat a little faster, my stomach turn, someone that awakens all those butterflies that live in our tummies.

I've been single almost a year now (excluding one non-relationship that almost was, really). And I've been fine.

Now I own a home... with Lucy. And it seems a little sad.

I'm Having a Party!

This Saturday, June 21st... 3pm until whenever.

My very first house, my very first housewarming party.

Email me for directions... or comment, whatever.

You Know Who You Are...

And SHAME ON YOU!

I was just fine, having lots (lots) of great, great of sex with you. And then you went and fucked it all up.

D-day my ass. You're a liar.

I do miss the sex though. That was fun.

Fucker.