I just want to FEEL something...

Its been over 8 months now, so I don't think I'm over exaggerating. I am walking around being the person everyone expects to see... but I'm absolutely a zombie inside. I feel nothing. I don't want to do anything, nothing interests me, and I have no desire for anything. I'm medicated... it doesn't seem to be working though.

And now I've made (while not so coherent) an ass out of myself... and may never get the chance to set things straight out of sheer embarrassment. And I'm pretty sure that was NOT the thing I was really seeking to feel.

I did come to a true realization though.
* I need someone confident (but not cocky... well, a little cocky at times might be OK), determined, ambitious and kind.

* While I am 100% capable of taking care of myself, I need a man that can step up to the plate and BE A MAN and be capable of taking care of me. I have not had the privilege of being with a man with this capability.

* While I tend to be a pretty strong willed gal in relationships, I need a man capable of putting me in my place while knowing when it is appropriate and HOW it is appropriate. Having the power, knowing you have the power and not using the power... well, I find it EXTREMELY attractive.

* I need a man that could defend me and mine, without-a-doubt, no hesitation. This could possibly even borderline scary. What I would give to feel safe.

And I think I met a guy like this... no, this particular guy is not *the one*, cause frankly, I don't think that exists... but because I met this guy... well, he helped me raise my bar. So BRAVO, hands-down, absolutely, positively, oh-so extremely, super sexy man... YOU are now the standard. I'll probably ALWAYS remember you for it.

And... I'll probably be alone. But that's OK. I'll take alone any day rather than settle again.

This is not me... I am not this person...

I am not the person who has to visit Adult and Children Abuse offices to report threats of violence.

I am not the person who has allowed the three serious relationships in her life escalate to the point of someone telling me they want to kill me. Seriously, they want to kill me...

My people picker is broken. Hell, I don't know if it ever worked. But I'm really tired of putting myself in these situations. I mean, who else's fault could it be? That's the thing, I've done this. I've allowed this to become my life. And I'm just sick about it.

It is NOT ok to yell and scream at someone.

It is NOT ok to hit things just because you're mad.

It is NOT ok to say hurtful and scary things and expect to get away with it because we both know you'll apologize for it later.

It is also NOT ok for me to feel so unbelievably guilty about all of this. You did this. You have to be responsible for your actions. You can't do and say whatever you want and just pretend later after you feel better that it didn't happen. Someone has to finally stand up and make you accountable. I'm really pissed it has to be me.

My heart is broken. Not because of my love for you, but because of my love for me.

I am strong. Yet, I keep allowing myself to fall into this situation, only each time it gets worse. How pathetic is that.

I am determined. I'm doing all of the right things to make my life comfortable and happy, yet those I choose to share it with don't have to put in any of the effort. Why do I feel the need to carry the world? Hold myself accountable but not anyone else? That's a pretty messed up way of thinking.

This sucks. I don't want this to be my life... I don't want to be this person.