I just want to FEEL something...
Its been over 8 months now, so I don't think I'm over exaggerating. I am walking around being the person everyone expects to see... but I'm absolutely a zombie inside. I feel nothing. I don't want to do anything, nothing interests me, and I have no desire for anything. I'm medicated... it doesn't seem to be working though.
And now I've made (while not so coherent) an ass out of myself... and may never get the chance to set things straight out of sheer embarrassment. And I'm pretty sure that was NOT the thing I was really seeking to feel.
I did come to a true realization though.
* I need someone confident (but not cocky... well, a little cocky at times might be OK), determined, ambitious and kind.
* While I am 100% capable of taking care of myself, I need a man that can step up to the plate and BE A MAN and be capable of taking care of me. I have not had the privilege of being with a man with this capability.
* While I tend to be a pretty strong willed gal in relationships, I need a man capable of putting me in my place while knowing when it is appropriate and HOW it is appropriate. Having the power, knowing you have the power and not using the power... well, I find it EXTREMELY attractive.
* I need a man that could defend me and mine, without-a-doubt, no hesitation. This could possibly even borderline scary. What I would give to feel safe.
And I think I met a guy like this... no, this particular guy is not *the one*, cause frankly, I don't think that exists... but because I met this guy... well, he helped me raise my bar. So BRAVO, hands-down, absolutely, positively, oh-so extremely, super sexy man... YOU are now the standard. I'll probably ALWAYS remember you for it.
And... I'll probably be alone. But that's OK. I'll take alone any day rather than settle again.
1 comment:
Have you ever read through journals from when you were in a relationship with someone (Someone you had yet-to-acknowledge-ANY-voice-very-quietly-almost-inaudibly-whispering: "yeeeeeeeeah, IIIIIIIIIIIII don't think so.") and the realization is there? Its like a light-bulb moment, only not, because its not so immediate, but more like a slow "ah-ha." The realization that all the while you were writing about how "great" everything was and how "sweet" (and using words like "special" and "finally") that it was all... total bull****.
Acknowledging I had "settled" hurt. But more for the fact that I wasn't nice enough to myself to value ME. I kept thinking (or rather, kept lying to myself) that I wasn't settling. That it would be "good." "Fine" even. He was crazy about me, loved me... and sure I "loved" him and...
I read through entries angry. Angry at myself, for the more I read the more I could see the deeper battle that ensued of trying to convince myself. I was lying to myself!!! Writing down what I thought was the right thing to say or feel.
Ugh. So glad those days are over. I learned quickly to give myself more credit. No more bull****.
Cheers to you for placing value on your heart.
;)
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